Talking about building a strong body is easy – eat well and exercise. Talking about building a strong mind is easy, too – meditate, practice gratitude, let go of bad thoughts. The key words in both of those sentences is “talking about.”
It’s easy to talk. It’s harder to practice.
See, I’ve studied self help for years. I’ve read books and articles, binged documentaries and TedTalks, planned countless routines and key habits. I’ve had more realizations about happiness and health than I could ever try to sit down and recall.
But my health journey through all of this has consistently been a yo-yo.
As an adult, I’ve been 85 pounds, and I’ve been nearly 200 pounds. I’ve battled addictions and disorders that I’ve pretty well hid from the world. And the entire time, I’ve been bathing myself in self help advice.
Why? I realized the giant irony of this a few weeks ago and asked, “Why has nothing helped? Why am I still unhealthy? What’s been in my way this whole time?” And the answer was instant and obvious. Me.
How I self-sabotage
I have a litany of things that I do that I shouldn’t (who doesn’t?), but the last couple of weeks I’ve dug deeper than I even intended to figure out what I do that’s most damaging to my health journey. Those things are:
I don’t prioritize time for myself.
I know what to do to be healthier and happier, but when it comes time to do it, I don’t. Because there’s a whole other list of things that need to get done first.
Busy work has trumped every healthy routine I’ve tried to establish. I’ll truly want to hit the treadmill … but first I should really do the dishes. Then dishes turn into a load of laundry, then making lunch, then clocking in for work…. and I never get on the treadmill.
The only time I made time for my own health was when I was pregnant. And it’s about time that I realized that my body sans fetus is more worthy of my time than the f*cking dishes.
I drop out to avoid failure.
I watched a TedTalk that linked perfectionism to procrastination. The gist of it is: if you’re terrified of failure, and you feel like you may fail at something, it’s easier to put that thing off or drop it entirely rather than do it poorly. I’ve done this a lot with healthy practices.
Too much tracking and not enough progress destroys me.
I’ve finally instituted a ban on my scale and calorie counters. These tools are amazing and work for a lot of people, but health journeys are specific to the individual. And for me, too much tracking is dangerous.
Because when progress stalls, my brain freaks out. I start feeling like a failure and that all of my hard work has been worthless. It makes me want to either give up or try harder – and that “trying harder” can sometimes get ugly.
I use (unhealthy) guilty pleasures as a reward.
I rarely stop working on something, so by the end of the day or in small moments throughout it, I feel the need to treat myself to stay in balance.
That thinking isn’t wrong, but when my reward is a cigarette break or garbage food late at night or drinking too many beers before bed …. there’s the problem.
I love the phrase: you’re not a dog, don’t reward yourself with food. And I’ll add: you’re not a masochist, stop shooting yourself in the lungs and calling it “me time.”
It’s scary to think about letting go
I’m honestly terrified to let go of these parts of myself. They’re not just “issues” or “bad habits.” They’re rituals and coping mechanisms. For years they’ve been anchors that give me a sense of control and have driven me toward success at all costs.
But I’m sick of feeling this way. These coping mechanisms, while useful through traumatic years, are now holding me back. I’m sick of knowing a million ways to be happy but stopping myself before I commit.
What about you?
Your problems may look nothing like my problems. But if you’ve had a goal (any kind of goal) and have found yourself struggling for years along a yo-yo, you too might have things that you’re doing that self-sabotage your efforts.
And know what? That’s an amazing thing.
Because that means that all you have to do is figure out how you’re getting in your own way. And once you realize what those are, you can start finding ways to avoid or replace those behaviors. And once you do that, you can finally break the yo-yo and dive into your goals unbridled by self-sabotage.
Thank you for reading this very personal post. I hope it was relatable and helpful in some way. If you have any advice or a question, please leave a comment below.
Stay happy and healthy, friends.
